The Ultimate Superheroines Forum

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Good start, Bert. Pacing is nice and steady

It starts getting good in the next couple chapters. I hope.

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Gosh! That threat will have Krissy rethinking her entire plan, right? Backing down and leaving the bar post haste? Hmmm. Perhaps not.

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Bert, great job on the story so far. Krissy’s fight scenes have been so exciting, with her being on the cusp of the tables turning on her, she losing control of the situation. I have to admit, I was cheering for Kit to exert a bit more dominance over Krissy. Can’t wait to read of her next peril, as the gang leader exerts his dominance over the slutty newcomer.

Thanks Flirty, glad you're liking it so far. Just for you, I'll post the next chapter early. I'm not sure, but I think you'll enjoy it.

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Oh no! She waited too long! This isn't going well at all. I hope the mayor's daughter appreciates what Supergirl is sacrificing here.

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Would love to hear what they did to SG when she was knocked out;)

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A nasty beatdown for Supergirl. Well done.

However, I'd like to just make a point about internal monologue during a fight scene. If a character has time to think "I'm too dazed to p...protect myself. Gotta shake off this chloroform before..." they have time to put up a deflecting arm, one would imagine. I know the speed of thought is fast but the author needs to think how the reader is receiving this information. The thoughts need to be very abbreviated or at least accounted for and explained away.

With that said, I'm still very much enjoying this work, Bert. Nice stuff!

Constructive feedback is always welcome. I'm curious if anyone has picked up on a couple things I referenced in the story. When Krissy, in disguise, escapes being tied to the barber's chair, I said she "slipped the surly bonds". I wrote that section on Remembrance Day, and the line is from a famous poem written by a WWII pilot, called High Flight. Also, the "Are you the real Supergirl?" dialogue is from the Pied Piper episode of Linda Carter's Wonder Woman series.

Zooooom! Went waaay over my head. But some of the fun of writing is throwing in Easter eggs and hoping some are quick enough to catch them... and comment on them. Keep tossing them in though. Some will get commented upon. Perhaps.

magical19122 wrote: ↑

2 years ago

Would love to hear what they did to SG when she was knocked out;)

Grin! Thanks for the comment. You aren't the first person to bring that up! Sadly, my mostly PG brain didn't go there.

Well, if you ever change your mind and roleplay to get a girls POV, look me up!:)

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Wonderful imagery of a beaten Supergirl in this chapter. This keeps getting better and better.

Glad you're enjoying it, Doc. I have some ideas for continuing the ongoing storyline, but that's a bigger project. This was a fun interlude with a character that's just super fun to write.

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Hot scene..I LOVE imagining myself as SG!

Excellent throughout. Kudos on a very entertaining tale! Keep 'em coming. (But only at a pace you're happy with.)

Thanks Doc! Glad you enjoyed it. If you care to read something other than Supergirl stuff, I think you might enjoy my Huntress story.

magical19122 wrote: ↑

2 years ago

Hot scene..I LOVE imagining myself as SG!

Grin! Glad you liked it!

Just caught up reading your other SG work. Can't believe I missed these before!

Great writing. I love my superheroine all powerful and all, but susceptible to getting overwhelmed just as you did with SG here.

Thanks! And wow, that's a bit of reading! And and, yeah, the problem with Supergirl/current Wonder Woman/Captain Marvel is they're so powerful that it's hard to find ways to challenge them. There's just so much more potential for drama if the heroine isn't unbeatable.