Wonder Woman Lapped

[BlueEyedDoe]

Wonder Woman Lapped
Part 1
By
BlueEyedDoe
Was just another day in Washington D.C. actually quiet for a summers day. Diana Prince was just finishing up her day at the HomeLand office and was looking forward to a weedend of relaxing. There was no urgant need for Wonder Woman it seemed which was a reliif. Wonder Woman had been very busy latley with white slavery rings and drug lords in the D.C. area. She needed a break and so far things where working her way to that end this weekend.
Just before closing out for the day at the office a ding cme over Diana's PC indicaiting she had mail. Clicking on it she read the message her eyes widening as she read. This is a joke she thought. The message was short. Saying i know who you really are Diana or is it Wonder Woman. We will see how smart you are ill be awaitng your arrivial. Shit Diana said out loud then looked around to see if anyone heard her. Diana was the only one in the office so was safe. Diana never swore so it would of caused concern . Who is this she wondered. She started to trace the e mail back to where it came from. So much for a relaxing weekend.
Deep in the congo a huge muscular man named Fenyang ( pronunced - fehn-Yang ) watched his computer awaiting the trace he knew would soon be coming. Fenyang knew Diana would be be checking as soon as she recieved the message and wanted be sure she knew excatly wher it started from. The wait was short his comp set a warning as soon as it seen the tracking. Yes bitch see who knows come to me . I will make you my privite treat. Your days of being Wonder Woman are now numbered and the days of being mine are starting.
Fenyand a major slaver had felt the sting of Wonder Woman as of late. Her stoping of the trade in the D.C. area had crippled the sale of rich white bitches in Afarica and the middle east. It will end soon and i will continus to sell pussy and will own yours Wonder Woman. Time to prepare she will arrive in a day at most.
Diana forwarded the message she recieved to her home be safer there to trace it . No prying eyes to see anything. After sending it to her home e mail Diana rushed home to start and figure out who this person is and what he or she is up to .
Once home she changed into more relaxing clothing a silk teddy and slippers . Poured a glass of vintage wine and sat at her comp to start hunting this person. Tracing the e mail was easy . Diana found that the adress was in Afarica in the Congo . Not a lot of citys or suberbs there so had to be a colony. After another hour Diana pinpointed the adress. Was a privite villa deep in the jungle far away from anything. Fenyang was shown as the villa owner. This set off alarms in Diana's mind. Thats the white slaver kingpin. Ill pay this bozo a visit.
Early the next morning Wonder Woman was in her jet heading across the alantic. The golden belt fitting snugly around her waist the lasso of truth attached to the belt. The braclets on her wrist the famous star spangled bottoms fitting like a skin the gold eagel breast plate in place heaving as she breathed. Wonder Woman was ready for this battle. How this scum found out her idenity she didnt know. But was going to find out soon. The jet broke over the coast and headed into the middle of the huge land mass the Congo dead in the middle.
In the main hall of the large mansion Fenyand looked at the newest restrait table his blacksmith and fabricator had made just for Wonder Woman. A stainless stell table with wrist and ankle restraints . A neck restraint to hold the head from snaping around. Dont want the slut breaking her neck in the device he thought. The table was driven by electric motors enabbleing the contrlor to spread legs arms rais and lower the body tilt the body and could be driven around the mansion by remote control. A true marvel.Nothing but the best for the best piece of ass on the planet Fenyand said out loud. He guided the new deviece into his throne room placing it beside his throne. Wont be long now he smiled.
Twenty minutes later Jenyand was informed of an air intruder but nothing to be seen by eye. Shes here Fenyand shouted. Watch for a small body to fall once she exits her plane she will be visable by infrared. Wonder Woman opened the hatch and moved to exit setting her plane to return to base on its own she would summon it when she had finished this. Wit a step she was free falling to the ground aiming for just inside the compound walls. Everyeye in the compound was looking skywards with glasses. Wondr Woman had just exited the plane and was spoted . Where she would land was pinpointed.Jenyand went to the spot to await her arrivial.
As Wonder Woman slowed her decent with her arms she spoted the evil slaverthe slaver seen this so sitting exactly where she planned to land. How the heavens does he know this she thought. To late now Wonder Woman landed with grace kneeling to assord the landing. Greetings Wonder Woman i have expected you and id say you are right on time.What are you up to Fenyand Wonder Woman ask as she stratened up checking her souroundings as she did. Your safe Diana just you an i here for now. What im up to is simple. Im going to defeat you make you mine, expose you to the world and show them your demise. Dreams Fenyand and how do you plan this. Simple Diana i know you go by codes of honor. I challange you to a match . What type of match and how do i know you wont rig it. I give you my word nyand was there awaiting the fighter of freedom King Fenyand states. If you win i go back with you to be put on trial. If i win you will become mine tamed and exposed.My leagel team has drawn up documents so it is all legit neither party backing out. Unless the great Wonder Woman is scared to take a challange form one man.
I have taken on armys and won Fenyand, defeating you will not break a sweat. Ah yes confident to the last. You havent heard the challange yet. Tell me then Wonder Woman said. Ok a match of minds Diana a test of who knows more of the world and its workings We each take the same test it will be scored by a scholor. Agreed Wonder Woman says. Good come then rest the test will be tomarrow tonight you enjoy the pleasures that we offer here. Keep your mind sharp Wonder Woman says . Oh im ready for your vast knowlage the slaver boast smiling.
That nite there was a huge feast in honor of the guest Wonder Woman and the challange that would take place in the morning. Wonder Woman was worried that the food and drink was drugged. Jenyand seeing this ate and drank some of the food an drink to prove to the relcuntant Wonder Woman that it was safe. I dont cheap Diana the slaver ststed. Eat and enjoy tonight. After tomarrow then you will belong to me as another slave to ready and sell. Dream on fool Diana snaped back as she tryed some of the meat on the table now felling a bit safer. Little did Dians know that what she was eating was laced with a powerfull mind drug that only worked on females . The stronger there mind the harder it attacked them. Slowing there thinking process and decission making. Fenyand smiled as Diana ate and drank . Yes bitch eat he thought its over .
After eating the great tasting food and sampleing some of the best wines made Diana felt tired and a bit confused. Jenyand i need to take my leave for the evening i want to be rested for the challange in the morning. Jenyand had his servent show Woder Woman to a guest room . Once there Diana struggled to undress dam snap on this belt she thought as her fingers fought to unhook it. After a time the belt was off as was the rest of her clothes she laid on the bed head spinning . Must of been the wine she thought before passing out. The cameras showed Jenyand Wonder Womans struggles to undress. Yes your allready getting stuied woman. With that thought the slaver went to bed himself to be ready for his new slave tomarrow.
Morning arrived Wonder Woman awoke her mind foggy dam she thought wake up girl need all your brain cells fireing. Crawling out of bed Diana finds the shower gets it steaming hot then stands under it letting the water wake her up. Dianas body awakened fine but her brain seemed to just yawn. Dam it move she yelled out . Geting out of the shower forcing herself to dry off and make herself up for the events. Dressing was a struggle but not like undressing the nite before after the third attemp she fastened the belt of power arond her waist. A servent entered the room and guided Wonder Woman to another meal . After a hearty meal and another dose of the mind slowing drug Wonder Woman headed to the event not knowing she was at a huge disavantage now.
When onder Woman entered the room where the challange was to be held Fenyand was waiting talking to the collage professor that would give the test. Ah Wonder Woman glad you are able to make it Fenyand joked,we thought you backed out. Never slaver i am ready to defeat you then haul you back for justice. Whatever Fenyand mocked shale we get started then. Wonder Woman nodded and say at a table that the professor had laid out the 5 page test on.
This test will cover your knolage of several areas, math, history and political topics both currant and in the past. Take as long as needed to answer them . When your done sit and be quiet till the other finishes then i will check your answers and announce the scores. Both Wonder Woman and Fenyand agreed and started to do there test.
Wonder Woman started on the math thinking it be a breeze. But just couldnt think clearly . Wonder Woman looked at the questions over an over trying to come up with the answers. At times she would know the answer then go back and questionherself. A struggke could be seen on the face of the hero and King Fenyand could see the struggle in her. Smiling the slaver went threw the test only haveing to think on some of the rough math problems some. Fenyand finished first and proped his feet up watching Wonder Woman squirm and sweat.
Adter two hours Wonder Woman finished at least she thinks she is all the questions answered she leaned back an sighed. The professor gathered up the test to start to check them. It will be ready in ten minutes go and strech and get a refreshment if needed. Wonder Woman got up on shakey legs and went out to strech and try to pull it togeather. Never have i been this nervous over a contest she mumbled . Fenyand just stood and walked to the window and awaited the outcome he allready knew the answer to.
The Professor had to call Wonder Woman back in the room when he had finished scoreing the test. I have checked both test several times to be sure i havent made any mistakes . The score tallied. King Fenyand you have four wrong answers. Which surprised the slaver,he thought he had tham all correct. Wonder Woman out of fifty questions you missed thirtytwo. King Kenyand is the winner by a huge margin.Wonder Woman must submit to the rules of this contest. Have a good day the professor says as he walks out his job done and not wanting to be there to see Wonder Womans submission.
Wonder Woman was in total shock , imposable
she says the slaver smileing hearing her. I have won Diana it is time now for you to keep your end of our deal. You become mine to train into slavery and sell. In a way you win after i sell you i can retire ill be out of the business. But you will be in the business forever . With that statement Kenyand starts laughing hard slapping his leg the echo of the laugh rings in Diana's ears. Lets go to the throne room slave and get you fitted for your new life. Distraut all Wonder Woman could do is be led out of the study down the hall into the huge throne room to the new shiney slave trainer that was built just for her.
Ok bitch STRIP now, slowly i want to watch . Each piece of clothing you remove place in the display case there in there marked area please. Wonder Woman's hands shook she was going to refuse to but she gave an oath had to. The fight in her eyes visable. Hurry up slut havent got a lifrtime like you. Wonder Woman reached behind her back unsnaping the belt ,this time it comes off in one try she mumbles Taking the belt an putting it in the spot marked in the Display .Next the boots where pulled off and placed. Not wanting to hurry to nakidness the tara was next. Then the earings. With nothing elas but her top and bottoms remaining the champ unsnaped the bustier and placed it in the display .Turn so i can see what i have to suck on slave Kenyand said. Wonder Woman turned blushing her tits firm nipples pointing out. Nice funbags for sure. Now those star spangled bottoms off.
Taking a deep breath Wonder Womans face burning red she hooked a finger ineach side of the bikini bottoms sliding them down over her round hips ,then down the thighes over her knees . From there they fall to her feet . Stepping out of them bending over t o pick them up she walks to the display again placing them in there place. Good bitch now please press the flashing red light please. Wonder Woman presses the button the display closes then hisses as its sealed tightly the air sucked from the inside. Hpw slut press the blue lite please. Tears in her eyes Wonder Woman presses the blue lite the chamber with her custome fills with a green haze. Thats gama radiration. That outfit is now contaminated with enough radiation to kill a thousand people if its brought out in the open. It is now useless. The longer it sytays in the fisplay the more it will be saturated. Even that gold belt and lassoe will be runied in a matter of minutes. Its over your defeated. How get the hell over here and get in your training machine.
Crying hard WonderWoman stagered to the machine sitting in the small seat. Fenyand yanking her arms out and locking them at the wrist to the table arms. Then foing the same to her legs locking them at the ankles to the table. Pushing Wonder Womans head back so it was bent back at a harsh angle her neck was locked in place. I see you got hair between your legs. That has to go now. His other trained slaves take to the task of hair removal as the slaver sits back in his throne . This is a grand day . It is the beginning of a new era.Wonder Woman feels th razor sliding over her mound making her bald between her legs . The last of her heritage now gone. A burning sensation now there as the slavers trained pets add a lotion that will kill all future groth there. Tugging at her bonds was all Wonder Woman could do and they never even made a sound she was Fenyand's now.

[saxman314]

Seems interesting, but this is utterly unreadable. You need to learn the basics of punctuation, paragraphing and grammar. It doesn't even have to be perfect, but at least make it readable.

Use quotation marks to show that someone is speaking and when their remarks finish, close the quote. Then, open a new one for the next character. In fact, each character's speech should be in its own paragraph. This alone would make the story much more readable.

Paragraph breaks or even an extra space or line between paragraphs to demonstrate chapter breaks would indicate when the setting changes. For example, focusing on a new character on a different continent should not occur within the same paragraph as the detailing of the first character's actions.

I'd love to read this story, but I really couldn't make it very far trying to mentally edit to figure out what the hell is going on.

[lordgriffin]

My opinion of a bit...opposite of Saxman314. I never understood how people who went to school..had their mind totally scrambled because a DOT is missing at the end of a sentence.

My problem came with plausibility. being in "The Dungeon" section and starting out with a MAJOR "white slaver" I was initially encouraged, The drug was a standard plot device, works on Wonder Woman... but then you enslaved her by....taking a test contest? Say what? And then she agreed to be a slave...based on a dare?

yea that pretty much killed it for me. You want a consensual story veiled as slavery (topping from the bottom)... my opinion, this story should be in the general section...perhaps you placed it here due to the coming brutality?

Great concept, just not MY thing thanks for posting though

[Disciple]

I gotta agree with LG here. I actually think there's potential in a heroine's pride translating into a "code of honor" that makes her willingly (if reluctantly) submit - it's part of why I like blacknite13's "Ms Americana: Biker's Bitch" - but this was a bit too rushed to pull it off.

[BlueEyedDoe]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

[Femina]

My opinion of a bit...opposite of Saxman314. I never understood how people who went to school..had their mind totally scrambled because a DOT is missing at the end of a sentence.

Because the dot means something. Grammar isn't there to trick people into believing that a dot goes here or there, it's to translate your perception of the written word to the way you perceive things as they are spoken to you and, in the case of storytelling, reduce the amount of deductive thought you require to translate a paragraph without breaking your suspension of disbelief.

You can't tell me that there's no clear difference between grammar and no grammar.

For instance this...

---

Please stop it she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly she moaned out toward the sky lips trembling youre making me so helpless ha is that so wonder woman or should I say wonder whore no oh ungh stop stop it her words soon dissolved into a meaningless scramble of whimpering sobs it is done he said drinking in his conquest he was the conqueror of champions

---

...Requires your brain to work a thousand times harder than this.

---

"Please stop it," she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly. She moaned out toward the sky lips trembling, "You're making me so helpless..."

"Ha! Is that so Wonder woman? Or should I say Wonder Whore?"

"No! Oh ungh stop! Stop it!" Her words soon dissolved into a meaningless scramble of whimpering sobs.

"It is done," he said, drinking in his conquest. He was the conqueror of champions.

---

As for why it is valid criticsism, this is just a tiny example. The issue compounds with every consecutive 'paragraph' and sentance. Once there is a wall of text with no grammar to speak of as tall as the page, it's bound to make most people's heads spin and they'll like as not pass over the work for something easier to read, which is never ever what the author wants. If you write something and post it, the hope is you'll acquire an audience, walls of words with no symbols or breaks to aid in perceiving the work are counter productive to that goal.

Sure it takes more effort from a writers standpoint, or more learning, but one only requires basic understanding of the written word to gloss over with basically no thought to the mechanics of the story structure and focus on the story while the other requires your brain to work how the words are supposed to be oriented so dramatically that there really isn't much space left to enjoy what the words are saying.

[bushwackerbob]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

One of the good things about putting stories on this site is that you get good and honest feedback. There is no such thing as a flawless story, or even a flawless author for that matter. None of us are infallible human beings. One of the more positive aspects of humanity is that many of us strive to rise above our imperfections, to learn from our mistakes. I imagine that it is not a lot of fun to hear criticism online, but having said that, my advice to you is instead of taking your ball and going home, that next time, take the wisdom you received and write a better story. Part of the reason you received the response you did is that there is a germ of a good story there and people always want to read a good story. I hope you write more stories here. I have no doubt that you have the talent to write a fine superheroine peril story, you just have to work at it. If we do not attempt to improve ourselves as human beings, we do not grow as individuals.

[Abductorenmadrid]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

Hey, don't go away. We all have our setbacks but try and salvage the good parts of the situation.

Firstly, the responses you are getting here will be exactly the same you would get anywhere else and even if you didn't see it in some physical reply it is what your readers would be thinking. You may well come up with the most amazing concept or scene, a fabulous plot twist or character but it will not count for anything if you cannot present it to your reader. This is the aspect you are being pushed on, NOT the underlying plot you have written.

Now, my hint, firstly - go and just "look" at some other stories, you don't have to read them. Just look at them - look at their structure - look at how speech and action are separated. Compare it to what you have, figure out what you need to do to make your work look easier on the eyes. Secondly, I don't know what editor you used to create your work, perhaps you typed directly into the forum editor, but you need something with a spell checker. I know, I know, I still make typos or have grammar glitches in my stuff but I do what I can. You need help to put some polish into your work so at least get a spellchecker on the case.

They say the one thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about at all. You have feedback - lap it up, use it, learn from it, that's what feedback is for, and trust me nothing sucks more than getting views and no one saying anything at all.

Good luck,

AEM

[ksire_99]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

Blue, I found this site searching for Supergirl stories. It is what brought me here! There are a lot of other things that involve Superheroine Peril on this site that are more popular such as vids. It would be no stretch to also say that putting a good vid together is more difficult than penning a story. I just mention this if you are concerned about 'clicks' on your story.

That being said, I have written a few stories also...and if you read them will also know I am no author. Even thou I know I could NEVER make a living with the written word, I still do write and share some of them. I do this because I feel I am "giving back" to our little community and the feedback I get, especially the constructive criticism has improved my story telling.

K

[tmon]

Blue as noted first please use a spell checker it makes it a lot easier for a reader to get into a story. Anything that distracts a reader from a story hurts the story. Second I applaud you for posting a story here. Writing a story is never easy. Finally most of the other posters are saying is it hurts a story to rush to the desired ending. Rushing anything is never a good idea. For instance you should have given a reason why WW accepted the challenge instead of using her lasso to capture and compel Fenyand to surrender.

[lordgriffin]

My opinion of a bit...opposite of Saxman314. I never understood how people who went to school..had their mind totally scrambled because a DOT is missing at the end of a sentence.

Because the dot means something. Grammar isn't there to trick people into believing that a dot goes here or there, it's to translate your perception of the written word to the way you perceive things as they are spoken to you and, in the case of storytelling, reduce the amount of deductive thought you require to translate a paragraph without breaking your suspension of disbelief.

You can't tell me that there's no clear difference between grammar and no grammar.

For instance this...

---

Please stop it she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly she moaned out toward the sky lips trembling youre making me so helpless ha is that so wonder woman or should I say wonder whore no oh ungh stop stop it her words soon dissolved into a meaningless scramble of whimpering sobs it is done he said drinking in his conquest he was the conqueror of champions

---

...Requires your brain to work a thousand times harder than this.

---

"Please stop it," she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly. She moaned out toward the sky lips trembling, "You're making me so helpless..."

"Ha! Is that so Wonder woman? Or should I say Wonder Whore?"

"No! Oh ungh stop! Stop it!" Her words soon dissolved into a meaningless scramble of whimpering sobs.

"It is done," he said, drinking in his conquest. He was the conqueror of champions.

---

As for why it is valid criticsism, this is just a tiny example. The issue compounds with every consecutive 'paragraph' and sentance. Once there is a wall of text with no grammar to speak of as tall as the page, it's bound to make most people's heads spin and they'll like as not pass over the work for something easier to read, which is never ever what the author wants. If you write something and post it, the hope is you'll acquire an audience, walls of words with no symbols or breaks to aid in perceiving the work are counter productive to that goal.

Sure it takes more effort from a writers standpoint, or more learning, but one only requires basic understanding of the written word to gloss over with basically no thought to the mechanics of the story structure and focus on the story while the other requires your brain to work how the words are supposed to be oriented so dramatically that there really isn't much space left to enjoy what the words are saying.

Hmmm I must be either REALLY stupid or REALLY smart, I have never, not even one single time, lost my "suspension of disbelief" because a period is missing

[lordgriffin]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

Well...you may already be gone...but what makes you think we were making fun of you? I thought you had a really good concept, the comments given were in a spirit of helping and improving, and letting you know how your story moves me (us.)

If you get right down to it, few of us here ARE authors, we write...but I have never been publishes.... I hope you will continue on, but I don;t think you can expect nothing but good comments if you wish to improve (personally I m thrilled when I get ANY comments)

[tallyho]

I thought this was a site to place a story a person came up with for others to read. This isn't that type of site it seems. Do what I can to do a story and all I get is made fun of because I am not an author. Well this is my last story here Good bye

No one HAS made fun of you - its been ADVICE and opinion offered - nothing more.

PLEASE DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THE SITE AND PLEASE DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THIS STORY, AND PLEASE DON'T WALK AWAY FROM WRITING


Take the criticism on board and EDIT your piece - just put the spaces in for starters between people talking - you will instantly see how much of an improvement just hitting return makes to reading the work. Then as has been said add quotation marks and other simple punctuation.


IF YOU WANT HELP DOING THIS PLEASE PM ME


It takes courage to put yourself out there to be shot at by all and sundry, you have shown that courage and several people liked your concept, just not quite your execution, so learn from whats been said and act on it.

GET BETTER - its what we are all trying to do. Spelling does matter - I once wrote a piece on 'The Terrible COAT of World War One' instead of COST- so as has been said try and write using a spellchecker and also READ BACK your own work - does it make sense, does it say what you wanted it to say.


Please, above all, don't give up.

[Kitten]

Anything worth having takes a little work.

You never get better if you want people kissing your arse and flattering you.

I would rather have honest criticism to help me get better than have people blow smoke up my bum and inflate my ego.

[BlueEyedDoe]

since everyone has an idea on how to finish the story go ahead and do it. I have quit

[tallyho]

Thats your call but its a pity. Most comments were just about how to approach the layout/grammar of the story not how to finish it.
And it was both valid opinion and good advice

I hope you will sleep on it and reconsider

[Abductorenmadrid]

My opinion of a bit...opposite of Saxman314. I never understood how people who went to school..had their mind totally scrambled because a DOT is missing at the end of a sentence.

Because the dot means something. Grammar isn't there to trick people into believing that a dot goes here or there, it's to translate your perception of the written word to the way you perceive things as they are spoken to you and, in the case of storytelling, reduce the amount of deductive thought you require to translate a paragraph without breaking your suspension of disbelief....etc

Hmmm I must be either REALLY stupid or REALLY smart, I have never, not even one single time, lost my "suspension of disbelief" because a period is missing

I think you're both talking about different things. I am not a pro but from my experience the errors I make fall into different catagories, from either just sheer clumsiness, to loss of concentration and ranging all the way out to just lack of competence to express something difficult. I am sure that LG and Femina are discussing opposite ends of that spectrum.

I am sorry the author has felt put off from continuing as this was a really good opportunity to develop their work.

AEM

[Ezekiel]

I never understood how people who went to school..had their mind totally scrambled because a DOT is missing at the end of a sentence.

guess thats what happens when you learn a language based on the latin alphabet imagine reading a story written in any nonlatin alphabet be it arabic chinese or thai youre totally clueless right thats kind of what happens when you learn grammar and then read a text that has doesnt follow the rules you know its very difficult to make out but not impossible if for example the establishment had been to not use any punctuation marks at all then everything would have been fine I cant honestly believe it for one moment that you dont have an issue reading text like this

Anyway, I'm probably the last person that should give BlueEyedDoe advice, given that my contribution to the stories on this site amounts to a grand total of zero at the moment, but here goes. The first stories I ever wrote were atrocious beyond conceivable reason. I thought they were great because they were my stories, but they were so bad I still feel a bit ashamed that I could produce something of such disgracefully low quality and have the nerve to show it around. Yuck! I'd say it's definitely quite the effort to become anywhere near good at writing (and even when you think you are good, you're actually still bad and have so much more work to do to get there), but I believe that creating something beautiful is always worth it, particularly with a character as complex and interesting as Wonder Woman.

[Kitten]

guess thats what happens when you learn a language based on the latin alphabet imagine reading a story written in any nonlatin alphabet be it arabic chinese or thai youre totally clueless right thats kind of what happens when you learn grammar and then read a text that has doesnt follow the rules you know its very difficult to make out but not impossible if for example the establishment had been to not use any punctuation marks at all then everything would have been fine I cant honestly believe it for one moment that you dont have an issue reading text like this

Anyway, I'm probably the last person that should give BlueEyedDoe advice, given that my contribution to the stories on this site amounts to a grand total of zero at the moment, but here goes. The first stories I ever wrote were atrocious beyond conceivable reason. I thought they were great because they were my stories, but they were so bad I still feel a bit ashamed that I could produce something of such disgracefully low quality and have the nerve to show it around. Yuck! I'd say it's definitely quite the effort to become anywhere near good at writing (and even when you think you are good, you're actually still bad and have so much more work to do to get there), but I believe that creating something beautiful is always worth it, particularly with a character as complex and interesting as Wonder Woman.

I don't believe it was ever noted that English was a second language to them. (at least not on this thread)

[Ezekiel]

English is not my first language either, but then again, I don't think the basics of punctuation have that much to do with it as long as the language we're discussing is based on the latin alphabet.

[flagonforge]

Blue, if you're still following, I hope you don't give up your writing, as I really enjoyed the story. The concept was great - WW defeated by her own arrogance and sense of honor. I would have loved to have seen the contest go on for a full day - having her ingest more of the drug that slowed her thought process till she was too 'slow' NOT to, and wind up being too dumb to be a super heroine but just a sex slave.

[saxman314]

Hmmm I must be either REALLY stupid or REALLY smart, I have never, not even one single time, lost my "suspension of disbelief" because a period is missing

Well, when I read-- as long as the syntax, diction and grammar make sense-- I see images and hear the scenes in my head as I go along. To use the example quoted above, when I read this:

Please stop it she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly she moaned out toward the sky lips trembling youre making me so helpless ha is that so wonder woman or should I say wonder whore no oh ungh stop stop it her words soon dissolved into a meaningless scramble of whimpering sobs it is done he said drinking in his conquest he was the conqueror of champions

I find myself constantly envisioning, deconstructing and revising what I thought was happening. The first word doesn't sound like prose, so I assume it's speech, but because of that I have to immediately begin thinking about the words in front of me rather than the scene in my head to make that distinction.

The next hitch comes quickly: "Please stop it she..." Obviously, without punctuation or and end quote, my mind reads "she" in the voice of the character speaking. This doesn't make sense, so my mind immediately wonders if it's a mistake, whether it's something separate from the speech, whether the character is losing it and beginning to just string words together as she begs, etc.

Continuing with the sentence, "...she begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly..." At this point, we have no trust that there is any punctuation, so we don't know whether we're reading:

"She begged to the man, 'Who was standing behind her?' as he rubbed her nipples gingerly."

"She begged to the man who was standing behind her. As he rubbed her nipples gingerly, she..."

"She begged to the man who was standing behind her as he rubbed her nipples gingerly."

Those are just the versions that make sense. Of course, since you don't know what the whole sentence is going to look like until you've read it, you wind up going through versions that don't even make sense, and having to revise when you come to an irreconcilable grammatical conflict. To top it off, you have to clear your mind of the imagery that's been created. So far in this example, nothing is too terrible, except from possible other characters being referenced who do not exist in the story. When we get to, "She moaned out to the sky lips," I get serious LSD imagery going. So now, rather than the kinky scene, I'm thinking of the Rolling Stones' lips logo floating in the sky and having to clear it from my mind.

Maybe if you read one word at a time, it doesn't go like this for you. That's a great ability. For me, a story like this is unreadable.

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To the author, your choice to be thin-skinned is on you. Criticism at your (and most of our) level of ability can only be helpful if you take it to heart. From your end, it's not even that much work. Nobody is making fun of you, joking about you, saying you should quit, etc. To the contrary, there is only advice about how to do what you're doing better. Plot advice might even be taken as subjective, although some good points have been made. I've only talked about the mechanics of your writing, which are incorrect. If you fix them, they'll be correct, and you'll have a readable story. Some will like it, some won't, but that will be true no matter how good you get.

I'd be happy to see more of your work, personally. I've written a few of these short stories myself, and don't consider them good enough to post, so your willingness to share is admirable.